Infinite McFlys + Infinite Biffs = Infinite Buttheads

Nothing in Back to the Future or it's sequels makes a damn bit of sense, even by 80s movies standards. Not that time travel makes sense in any movie. Like a prom night slut on her fourth Bartles and James, we are willing to swallow quite a bit. We need to dumb ourselves down for that two pumps and a squirt worth of entertainment and will believe anything. Well, almost anything. If it's a western, we know John Wayne's six shooter can fire anywhere from 11-to 48 times, pending the number of Jews painted like Indians he may encounter. But you, Back to the Future, you had to go and insult us.

Let's start in order of magnitude of bullshit.

1) You could always try again, with a time machine

Okay you know the set up of Part II: Biff is the mayor or some shit, Hill Valley is a crime-ridden cesspool and Lea Thompson has twice the Boobage she had in Space Camp. (side note: she gets in on with Tom Cruise in All the Right Moves and he is in waaaay over his head)

Here you go, pervs


Why is good old Hill Valley in tatters? The answer is perfectly logical: Biff went back in time and stole a sports almanac and was able to amass a fortune based on gambling winnings and subsequently mount Marty's mom. And as Doc Brown shat out the entire ludicrous backstory with the chalkboard. He warns Marty, "We must not fail in our task!!!" Marty asks, "Then what happens?" And Doc doesn't even answer him, because he knows Marty just stumbled upon a giant plot hole!

Marty knows the truth: If he failed to retrieve the Sports Almanac. He could just try again the next day. Or the day before. Or at any point. In fact. He could go all the way back and snuff out infant Biff with a pillow. They didn't even know about SIDS back then. So really nothing depends on the Sports Almanac at all. And of course, Biff could go back the day before Marty arrives and take the Almanac back, back and forth until some it is so confusing and muddled we have The Biff Tannen Chronicles on Fox. Which leads us right to our next problem:


The Multiple Biff Conundrum.

The Marty in the leather jacket has to avoid the Marty from the first movie that is onstage making Johnny B. Goode white and Canadian. Doc Brown, who warns Marty to avoid the "other" Marty, for some reason is just casually passing by the clock tower where he knows the other Doc Brown will already be there for the 1.21 jigawatts (it's gigawatts, right? Hard G?) He seem intent on not heeding his own advice on not
disrupting the space/time continuum.

So part III takes place in the Hill Valley of 1885. So now Never there is a Doc Brown in 1885, one in 1955 and one in 1985 and none of the Doc Browns noted the Highlander-like scientific necessity of killing the others- "There can only be one!" proclaimed notes physicist Connor McLeod (on a side note why was Christopher Lambert cast as a Scot and Sean Connery cast as Spaniard) No seriously, he needs to kill the other Doc Browns for cosmic harmony.

So for every trip they take in the DeLorean, there is a identical Marty and identical Doc and identical Biff all disrupting an identical timeline. Making an infinite number of lines in the chalkboard and an exponential number of Hill Valleys. Surely they could let Biff have his Casino in one of them. Clearly he has self-esteem issues. Or they could just leave that Dystopian nightmare and live in any of the paralell Hill Valleys. Maybe even one that's racially integrated.


3) Clark Kent Complex

ANYWAY, once Marty is in 1885, he stumbles upon his great-great grandfather, who is just Michael J. Fox in a mustache and Irish accent so bad he sounds like the drunk Irish cops in the Bugs Bunny shorts that got pulled from syndication. So Maggie McFly does not notice that her husband and the awkward stranger LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE? Of course she doesn't. Couldn't he just has easily looked exactly like Crispin Glover or does the identical gene skip four generations? That's not to even mention that neither Lorraine McFly or Geroge notice that their son looks EXACTLY like that kind stranger who got them together at the Enchantment under the Sea Dance.


4) Bad Dialogue 1885-present

Those are just a few of the major plot holes. To say nothing of little things like when Marty refers to John F. Kennedy boulevard, the archetype 50's soda jerk replies, "Who the hell is John F. Kennedy?" What an unnatural response! Go to another town and tell another person the name of your street. Aren't most streets named after people you've never heard of? (thanks Chris for pointing this out)


The McFlys have been replaced by Pod Replicants

Furthermore, at the end of the first one when he returns to the "fixed" Hill Valley Timeline, George is a best selling author Lorraine is still hot, his brother no longer works at Burger King and his chubby sister has become a popular slut. So in other words, Marty returns home to find a house full of strangers. Wouldn't that be alienating as hell?

The only plausible explanation for time travel is in Austin Powers when Basil Expedition looks right in the camera and says, "I'm not worried about it and neither should you." and I am paraphrasing. Scientists however argue that while time travel is pretty dodgy, parallel universes are scientifically sound theories, this is where Back to the Future is below DC Comics's multiverse in plausibility. In mathematical terms: the amount of molecules colliding in the universe is vast beyond comprehension but not infinite, meaning at some point all those random molecules will collide in the exact same order at some point. So it is a scientific probability that you are reading this exact same inane blog in another universe. Loser.

object width="450" height="370">